Suffocation by Retardation
by audsome
Summary: Saitou has always hated his co-workers more than the usual underpaid tortured soul but a new assignment concerning Battousai's evil spirit reincarnate and a chicken bring him unwanted trouble.Saitou-POV PG-language OneShot


**Disclaimer:** _Me. Own. Nothing._

**Author Notes:** _I wrote this over the summer but didn't feel like posting it. But now, after much revising and editing I am posting. And while you're reading this, understand that I had no thoughts of keeping Saitou in character so if he seems a little... off... don't think too much of it. _

_I was thinking about whether Saitou hates the men that he works with, and wanted to put a little humor in it, although I don't have any skills with that genre, and this was created._

_Much thanks to Aikawarazu Ai who looked this through and helped me edit and/or revise (although I don't hink I used much of what she revised i blame it on my e-mail, it sucks...). If i missed anything then please let me know. I was going through this and noticed that I had switched from Saitou's POV to third person and there must be much more mistakes that I didn't catch._

****

* * *

****

**Suffocation by Retardation**

I'm surrounded by morons. Seriously, every direction I look there is not one but two. It's especially bad today, there's an assignment that no one wants. So, naturally they'll give it to me. Why? I don't know why! I wish I did! Maybe it was because of Chou. He always says the _worst_ things to the _worst people_.

I wish I didn't have to be here. Wait! I take that back. Wishes are for sentimental fools. Like the Battousai.

Which brings me back to why these morons, excuse me my colleagues, are crowding around me today. They say there is a _chicken_ on the loose. But not just _any_ chicken! Oh no! It's the reincarnation of Hitokiri Battousai, or some form of his evil ki. In a chicken. No one will go near the beast. That's where I come in. Chou told everyone something stupid! I don't know what it _was_ but I know it was stupid. Wrong even. Wrong enough to blow up in my face. Which it has. If it weren't for him I would not be having this problem.

"Mr. Goro!" Pleaded one of the weak imbeciles that I am forced to commune with. They call themselves strong but in the face of an adversary – a chicken even – they cower behind those they think will do their dirty work. Which reminds me, I need to take care of that new politician tonight. Dirty work for the both of us. "Please Mr. Goro! You are the only one of us that can deal with this demon!"

I faced the man that was speaking. He was the last one trying to persuade me to take on the demonic chicken. After one "no" and thirty silent glares I think that he would get the message that stupid chickens are under me. It goes against me to answer something more than once but these guys are crowding into my personal space.

"No."

The man's eyes lit up as if he were ten and had gotten a puppy for his birthday. Why, why, did I have to answer again? "Thank you Mr. Goro! Thank you! We are all forever in your debt! Here are the papers on the where-abouts of the demonic chicken and how, we think, the best way to get rid of it." The ahou looked like Battousai with that stupid grin on his face!

I guess I have to go. At least these people won't be following me.

I almost leave without my katana by my side, which is a good thing because I don't need it, but that pesky officer offers it to me.

"You'll need this, Mr. Goro," he says gravely holding it out for me. I snatch it out of his hands. He'll taint it with his… er… uselessness.

I do _not_ need my katana to take care of a chicken; a small carving knife will do it in fine! But I still tuck my sword into my belt as I leave the sorry excuse for a police station.

I look at the paper that tells of the "demonic" chicken's location. At least it's not far away. Why walk all the way over there over something as trivial as a chicken? Not that it would exhaust me to walk over there. It's just out of my way. And the nice soba stand I like to go to for lunch is on the _other_ side of the city. It _is_ my lunch break right now.

I pass through the crowds, some people bowing to me when they notice my police uniform. Its not out of fear and respect like they did when I was a Wolf, its more of mock respect. The only thing the police are good for these days are demonic chickens and ghosts. Why do people even believe in silly superstitions like that anyway? It's illogical.

The houses are all worn down. I should have guessed this is where it'd be. Stopping in front of the building chicken noises are coming from, I check the paper to make sure I'm at the right place. The door is wide open. It was through open in a hurry, or panic. I go inside, there's no turning back now.

There are chicken prints in the dirt, leading to around to the back of the house. I should call out and announce my presence. But I won't. I stalk around the house by hands slightly apt, slightly near by belt. The sounds coming from the chicken, and its prey are enough to make any seasoned warrior wary. Peering around I see it. The beast. Small. Reminds me of something… else. That' s small and ferocious. Better think about getting this chicken out of her. Tokio will love it.

Next to the chicken is a bowl of food. A few feet away from the chicken is an old woman. Her white hairs unraveled out of the bun at the nap of her neck. Her arms outstretched and sneaking up behind the chicken with a small smile of triumph worn. The chicken clucked and she dove for it but it hopped away, spraying feathers as it did so. The old lady fell flat on her face, kicking up a lot of dirty but Saitou just sidestepped it. Wouldn't want to get dirty before lunch.

The old lady got to her knees and brushed off most of the dirt. She looked up to see my outstretched hand and me. I can't leave this old lady to get up by herself! What would Tokio think of me! She smiled gratefully and took my hand.

"Hello," she said to me. She is short. Even shorter than Battousai. If that is even possible. "My name is Heiky. Nice to meet you sir, but why are you in my back yard?"

I lean back on my heal, hooking my thumbs in my sword belt. "I'm from the police," I answer her, "have any demonic chickens?"

"Demonic?" She squinted, shading her eyes with her arm from the noonday sun. "Only an old one that hasn't laid eggs in a while," she seemed sad at this, "why?"

That chicken seemed to be the only one here. It squawked and hopped round while I contemplated wait I would tell her.

"There have been complaints about-"

"What? Oh! It must have been Hamano! He's such a … a …" at this she snorted loudly, blowing the hair that had slipped from her gray bun onto her face out of her eyes.

To say the least I was surprised that this woman would make such a loud noise from such a small body surprised me.

She started walking around her backyard in search of the blasted chicken and I had nothing to do but to follow her circling around the yard.

Heiky undid her bun and pulled the ones that had fallen loose around her eyes back into that tighten gray bun, all the while walking _and_ looking for her chicken. I wanted to pull out my sword and do something, _anything_, to prove that I, too, am of the ability to multitask.

Well, err is her way! I am the grand master of _multi-shirking_!

She stopped circling around so I decided to get back to the business of the chicken. "I only have this one chicken, and even though she doesn't produce any more eggs she is still wanted around here. I don't know what I would do without my chicken…"

"I can get you a new one."

That, it seemed, was the wrong thing to say. Heiky's eyes got big and water. She looked shaken up, she started stuttering. Finally, "I can't do that! Chicky-"

"Who ma-am?"

The chicken ran between us trying to get attention. Damn irritating.

"My chicken, Chicky. She doesn't like other chickens. I've tried before you know."

Why am I doing this! It's lunchtime! "Have you ever had chicken?"

She was a little confused by my question. "Yes, as you can see I have one right now."

I seem to be impelled by my hunger or else I would have left a while ago for my soba stand across town. It takes all my will power not to sigh in exasperation, "Have you ever eaten chicken?"

"Oh, dear me no! Why would I do such a thing as that?!" She looked at her chicken, which paused in its racket a moment to stare back at her.

"We can go to get you a new chicken and we can eat this one." I would solve everyone's problem if this "demon" were removed for good.

I stared – but not rudely – long and hard at the old woman standing before me, protecting her demonic chicken like it was precious. Maybe it is. To her. "Come with me to the market and we can get you a new chicken."

Her eyes are glossy. Maybe, that chicken is more than precious to her. "But what will we do with Chicky?"

"I can decapitate it and then I'll cook it for the both of us." I want to say. I actually say: "Leave it to me, everything will be taken care of."

"Taken.. care of?"

"We'll eat it for lunch."

I do not believe any body has ever pierced me with such a gaze as she did now. I felt hurt. How come she did not trust me? I _am_ from the police after all.

"You'll be surprised," hopefully all of this will end soon! And a free meal in the process.

"Oh… okay," Heiky answered. "I'll go with you to the market now, I saw some chickens for sale when I went there the other day."

"Okay."

We head out in a heavy silence. I, not knowing what a woman of her age would want to talk about (or any woman), and she ,most likely preoccupied with loosing a chicken.

Here I am, walking with an old lady, Heiky, to get a chicken because her's is too old to lay any more eggs. Oh, and doesn't like other chickens.

Isn't life grand?

We reached the chickens for sell in a matter of minutes after reaching the market, I won't get into detail about how long it took to get to the market place though.

There are a lot of chickens to choose from. I just hope she chooses quickly.

"Any one you want," I say, trying to encourage her on picking fast.

Her index finger had found its way into her mouth; it was hooked onto her lower front teeth. "Oh, I don't know. Which one do you like?"

"That one." I say, pointing at all and any chicken I see.

"No, that one isn't right"

"How about this one?"

"No… you see that foot? It wouldn't last long outside of this pen."

Heiky furrowed her brow in speculation walking around the chicken boxes aligned along the street until she stopped in front of one chicken that looked like all the others. She tapped her foot lightly to get its attention. She bent down getting to its eye level. Making some odd noises she caught the attention of not just the chicken but others that were looking at the chickens too.

I scooted away.

She called for the seller of the chicken. "I want this one. How much for it?"

"It doesn't matter!" I said stepping up, I placed a _heavy_ bag of money in the chicken seller's hand. Heiky picks up the chicken and places it in a bag that she mysteriously procured and then we were off.

We arrive at her house, going directly inside with the new chicken so that Chicky wouldn't see it and get jealous. Which is an odd thought, if you take any amount of time to dwell on it.

"I'll need something to chop off the head," I tell her when she gets outside.

"I thought so, here," she gave me a big, sharp, knife. The right kind for this kind of job. "I'll be inside waiting. I don't want to witness this." She leaves me. Not that I mind.

I see the chicken. It sees me. I walk around it. Circling it. It walks around nervously. Nervous of me. Then I lounge with my hands and grab it by its neck. It struggles futilely. I look for a place to do it. There's a tree stump beside the wall. A perfect place to do my business. I walk over to it and through the chicken down. It squawks. I stretch the neck out then…

CHOP!

It's done. The head… is now on the floor. I drag the head along with the body with me inside Heiky's house. She's sitting beside her new chicken and looks to me but I have the limp chicken behind my back. "Where is your kitchen?" She points to it and I go.

"It's finished!" I call out an hour later. I learned how to cook chicken from Tokio, a very capable woman. I bring out the food to the dining area and set it on the table.

"Look at you," she said beaming. "Slaving away like a house wife."

"Let's eat." I had done everything. Prepared the chicken, cooked it, cleaned the utensils afterwards, set the table. I guess that name would fit. Not that I like being called a house wife, and I can't picture_ me _slaving away at anything.

We sit down to the low table resting on the cushions that lay beside it and eat the lunch.

"This is really good!" Heiky sounds surprised. We finish the rest of the meal in silence. I'm about to clean up but, "Oh, no! You should really be getting back to work! I've taken so much of your time as it is. I'll take care of the dishes."

I get up and start to leave but I look back to find that she was crying. Why? Hadn't I solved the problem of the chickens? "Miss Heiky…"

"Its nothing, just an old woman thinking of the past. Go," she waved me away drying her tears on her apron. "Wait, I don't even know your name."

"Goro Fujita," I bowed low and left.

I'm late. I should have been back at an hour ago.

I reached the police station then headed through the main offices to my own. Everyone is crowded in there, and the atmosphere is one of … _weakness_. I clear my throat loudly. Everyone's head turns around to look at me, but I guess they hadn't thought it could have been me for all of their looks of surprise.

"We thought you were dead. Some demonic chicken… took you two hours." Said the stupid guy that got me into this mess.

"Yea, we were just picking who would tell Tokio the unfortunate news." Another of the ignorant bastards says.

Truly unfortunate that I work with such morons. To think that _I_ could be defeated so easily by a chicken!


End file.
